starving for substance

Writer’s Block

Posted in Uncategorized by starvingsteve on October 14, 2008

Last year, I went on a massive fiber binge.  This wasn’t an “Oh-I-eat-some-raisin-bran-every-couple-of-days-and-feel-regular” fiber binge, this was an “I-ate-half-a-bag-of-raisin-bran-in-one-sitting” fiber binge.  Poop was literally falling out of my butt I was ingesting so much fiber.  Paying little heed to the oft heard saying of “everything in moderation,” I gorged on, regularly feeling the results of a steady and regular intake of Raisin Bran.

Then, one day, it happened.

I won’t go into extreme details, but one time I sat down on that porcelain throne and I swear a freight train came out.  When I tried to flush, the thing went halfway down the hole and just stopped moving.  I had just done the unthinkable.  I clogged a toilet with just my poop alone.

Suddenly I remembered why I was so fond of diahrrea.

So I got a plunger.  I plunged and I plunged.  Everything got broken up into a smelly, viscous concoction that had to go down, right?  So I flushed and it stuck.  More plunging.  More flushing.  No movement.  Somewhere along this time, I flushed one time too many and the thing just overflowed.  Yanking the roll of toilet paper off the dispenser, I went into damage control mode.

Once everything was under control, I grabbed all the paper towels (which are conveniently left in the bathroom) and started to mop up.  I found it very ironic that the paper towels had food themed pictures and writing on it.  I could only giggle when paper towels with “Espresso” printed on it were being used to clean up nature’s variant on the subject.

Once everything was relatively clean, it was time to go to Meijer.  I still had a sanitary and plumbing disaster on my hands (or at least in my bathroom).  At Meijer, I bought a bottle of Drano and about a gallon of bleach.  Back in the bathroom, I used straight bleach to clean everything.  Finally, 3/4 a gallon of bleach and a massive headache later, I had a bathroom I wouldn’t mind performing surgery on, provided that I had the proper training.  That thing was as clean as you could get it.

Just a note, years of lifeguarding prepared me surprisingly well for this moment.  Once you fish poop out of a pool with your bare hands, you get a little desensitized to the stuff.  Also, when you clean logs of turd off the floor of a bathroom, you learn plenty about properly sanitizing an area.  For what it’s worth, I had more incidents regarding poop and its subsequent clean up (>5) than I had saves (1).

One thing remained.  The toilet clog that started it all.  I poured the entire bottle of Drano down it.  Nothing.  I looked up various methods on the internet, which included pouring near boiling water and dish soap down it.  Nothing.  I tried a coat hanger.  Nothing.  I even put on a latex glove and stuck my hand down the thing.  Nothing.  So I went to bed.

Needless to say, I was exhausted the next morning.  I called CPM on my way to class, came back, and problem solved.  Wow, I felt stupid.

The side effects, besides the wonderfully clean smell of bleach, was a toilet that didn’t stop flushing unless you pushed the handle up all the way.  Except sometimes it wouldn’t do that.  Basically it just liked to screw with you.  Keep this in mind because this is important.  You thought I was done, didn’t you?

Renouncing the fiber diet, I trucked on to the end of the year and everything was peachy till about three weeks ago.  Then it happened.  I pooed and it stuck.  I plunged and it stunk.  I flushed and holy crap why is all this water coming out of the toilet and when the heck is it going to stop coming out gotta grab this trash can and try and catch this water o crap it’s going out the door and jeez it’s still coming out and I’m out of toilet paper now and all the paper towels are out and o jeez it’s that stupid flush thing I forgot to push up.  The damage was incredible.  About a quarter of the hallway was absolutely soaked.  Luckily, CPM builds horrendous apartments so there was no carpet padding to worry about getting moldy, and I had previous experience with the situation.  Economies of scale was rocking, babe.  Also, it was nice that my roommates now park at our building instead of in E14 (which is like a mile away).  So after a relatively quick bathroom cleanup, I dedicated my attention to the carpet.  That was a pain in the butt to clean and dry, using about 10 rolls of paper towels and two fans blowing on the thing for 48 hours.  I sanitized the carpet with bleach (no color loss since the thing was a total piece of crapet) and about half an economy sized bottle of carpet cleaner.  Afterwards, meals could have been eaten off of it the thing was so clean.

I never bothered with the toilet, I just called CPM and figured they’d take care of it.  The interesting thing?  It takes them maybe 2 days to get to us.  Last time, I called with a clogged toilet and they were in and out in a matter of hours.  This time, I call with not just a clogged toilet but the apartmental equivalent to Hurricane Katrina and the response time is in the many tens of hours.  Another strong endorsement for CPM right thurr!

Enjoy the rest of your days, folks, and remember.  There’s definitely such thing as too much fiber.

Sorry…

Posted in Uncategorized by starvingsteve on October 12, 2008

This goes to Sharon Lee.  Ever since you told me to update more frequently, I have come up with absolutely nothing to write.  Sorry.  =/

Greetings to my other two loyal(?) readers as well.  I think you know who you are…