starving for substance

Meh

Posted in Uncategorized by starvingsteve on July 14, 2012

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything here. I think I changed blog addresses but I hate that other site. It’s fake and inauthentic.

There is one conclusion that I’ve been fighting but is unequivocally true. The corporate world has killed my soul. I thought I would be better, I thought I could dominate it through sheer force of will but I ran my face right into it and got smacked down. I’ve never done something so mindless, so pointless, so uninspiring, and so boring that the very inanity drives me to angry frustration. So much useless nitpickery and waste of human potential lies scattered amidst the wreckage of human lives. Every day I see this and every day a revulsion stirs within me that just wants to drop everything and flee.

I’m crushed into obedience by debt. I’m serving my penance.

Every day I think about the words of a creative writing professor who found himself in an architecture career he loathed. “I just have these stories that have to get out.”

I’ve taken to frantic writing nearly every day. Chicken scratch on whatever piece of paper is at hand. Thoughts, blurbs, observations, hopes, fears, frustrations, but eventually it all just devolves into constant abhorrence at the state that I find myself in. Words must come out, no matter how useless and meaningless they are. My scrawling nihilism still has more purpose than an Excel spreadsheet that serves no purpose.

The sad thing is that I found the best job I could ask to be provided with considering my education and my interests. My coworkers are good people. And yet the only thing I can say is that my soul rots. Ergo, this is not what I was meant to do.

There is no volta so commonly found in past entries. The place I find myself in the beginning is the same place I will find myself at the end. Churning, frothing, ultimately going nowhere.

I no longer consider myself “young” as the people who are moving this world are younger than me. They have no special powers or abilities yet their insight is valued. I refuse to believe that I’m any different, that there needs to be more “seasoning” before I embark on any particular undertaking. There are a number of people I blame for this but ultimately it lies on me for believing what they said. Youth is relative and there’s a good chance your opinion is unnecessary.

There is waste everywhere. I hate the superficiality of yuppies. The stupidity of the rat race. No one lives for anything. So they constantly support each other in the chase for nothing. I spent an entire tax season with Rage Against the Machine albums on repeat because that was the only way to cope…to know someone else was just as angry as I was.

To continue the rant, our economy is flawed, our government exists to support special interests, and none of this will improve at any time. The past two presidents have destroyed our relationships with the world, our current president is drone striking innocents into oblivion, and rights are slipping away under the guise of national security. So selfishly, my conclusion is that I need to hang onto this job for as long as I have debts to pay because I’ll have a hell of a time finding anything anywhere else.

Everything is wrong and George Carlin’s acerbic cynicism was spot on.

This is mainly for cathartic purposes. But also as a concrete way of promising myself that it’s do or die.

Here we go.

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